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Redefining Cheating: Boundaries, Trust, And The Work Of Reconnection

• Great Day Radio • Season 2 • Episode 85

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Ever felt lonely sitting right next to your partner? We go straight into the quiet moments where intimacy thins and the tough choices that follow. Instead of arguing over labels, we pull apart the real issues: defining what fidelity actually means, how emotional intimacy with someone else can feel like a deeper cut than a physical slip, and why intent matters but impact still breaks trust. Along the way, we share personal stories of betrayal, distance, and the hard-earned lessons that come from trying to repair what feels beyond repair.

We map out the gray areas couples trip over—DMs with an ex, sharing private struggles with a close friend, and those “just talking” connections that start meeting needs once filled at home. You’ll hear a practical framework for setting boundaries that protect trust without turning love into surveillance, and a better question than “Is it cheating?” namely, “What need is unmet, and how do we meet it together?” From there, we lay out the playbook: scheduled check-ins that prioritize emotions over logistics, reviving shared activities that once sparked joy, and active listening that replaces defens

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SPEAKER_01:

For our TikTok, Instagram, and other social media audience, please visit greatdayradio.com or greatdaycolorado.com to listen to the full episode. Welcome to Great Day Radio's Intimate Connections. I'm DJ D. Marie, and with me is DJ Mikey D.

SPEAKER_00:

Great to be here, D. This is such an important topic we're diving into today.

SPEAKER_01:

Absolutely. We're talking about something that affects so many relationships. What happens when intimacy disappears, and whether seeking connection outside the relationship is really cheating when that intimacy is gone.

SPEAKER_00:

You know, I think we need to start by defining what we mean by intimacy because it's so much more than just physical connection, right?

SPEAKER_01:

Exactly. Intimacy is this beautiful tapestry of emotional connection, mental engagement, feeling seen and understood by your partner. When that starts to fade, people can feel incredibly lonely, even when they're sitting right next to their significant other.

SPEAKER_00:

That loneliness is real. It is how I felt in my long-term relationship with my ex. I felt like we were roommates rather than partners. The emotional distance becomes this huge chasm between us.

SPEAKER_01:

Wow. That is rough. And that's where things get complicated. When someone feels that emotional starvation in their relationship, is it cheating if they seek that emotional nourishment elsewhere?

SPEAKER_00:

I think we have to look at intent. Is someone seeking connection elsewhere because they're trying to fill a void their relationship isn't providing, or are they actively trying to sabotage the relationship?

SPEAKER_01:

That's such a good point. The why matters so much. But here's the thing even if the intent isn't malicious, the impact on the other partner can still feel like betrayal.

SPEAKER_00:

Wait, can I jump in here? Because I think we need to distinguish between emotional and physical intimacy. Some people might be okay with their partner having deep friendships, but draw the line at physical intimacy, while for others, emotional intimacy with someone else feels like the bigger betrayal. It really comes down to what each couple defines as their boundaries.

SPEAKER_01:

That's exactly it. And that's why communication is everything. So many couples never actually have that conversation about what fidelity means to them beyond the obvious don't sleep with other people.

SPEAKER_00:

Right. Like, is it okay to have deep emotional conversations with an ex? Is it crossing a line to share your relationship problems with a close friend of the opposite sex? These are the gray areas that can cause so much pain when they're not discussed.

SPEAKER_01:

I remember working with a couple where the husband felt completely betrayed because his wife was sharing intimate details of their marriage with her best friend, a male friend she'd known since college. To him, that felt like emotional cheating, but to her, she was just seeking support from a trusted friend. It reminds me of the story you shared with me about your ex. Do you mind discussing it briefly?

SPEAKER_00:

That's such a common scenario, and it highlights how we all have different cheating thresholds. The real issue isn't necessarily the action itself, but the breach of trust that occurs when boundaries aren't respected. For me, I was completing college after transitioning out of the military. My ex was having a relationship while I was in Washington State, and she was in Colorado. Once approached, she insisted that it was an emotional relationship. The person she was talking to shared details about her discontent with me. He also stated they were physically intimate at some point. It was hurtful, but I still felt like we could work on the issue since we were both guilty of having an outside relationship.

SPEAKER_01:

So here's the million-dollar question. If intimacy has been missing from a relationship for months or even years, is seeking it elsewhere ever justified?

SPEAKER_00:

Man, that's tough. I don't think there's a one size fits all answer. Some people would say absolutely not, that you work on the relationship or end it before seeking connection elsewhere. Others might argue that human beings have fundamental needs for connection and when those aren't being met, but here's what I keep coming back to the importance of addressing the intimacy gap before it becomes a crisis.

SPEAKER_01:

Exactly. It becomes a survival mechanism rather than a choice. So many couples wait until they're in this desperate place where one or both partners are so starved for connection that they're vulnerable to seeking it elsewhere. The time to have these conversations is before you reach that breaking point.

SPEAKER_00:

Indeed. And that requires vulnerability, which is scary. It means saying, hey, I'm not feeling connected to you lately, or I miss the emotional intimacy we used to have rather than letting resentment build up.

SPEAKER_01:

Which brings us back to our original question. Is it cheating? I think the answer is it depends on the relationship's agreed upon boundaries. But more importantly, if you're considering seeking intimacy elsewhere, that's a huge red flag that your relationship needs attention.

SPEAKER_00:

That's the health perspective right there. Instead of asking, is this cheating? Maybe the better question is, why am I feeling the need to seek this outside my relationship? And what can my partner and I do to address that need together?

SPEAKER_01:

Beautifully said. Because at the end of the day, relationships are living things that need care and attention. When intimacy fades, it's not necessarily anyone's fault. It's often just life happening. But how we respond to that fading determines everything.

SPEAKER_00:

I think about couples who've been together for decades. They go through seasons where intimacy ebbs and flows. The successful ones learn to recognize those patterns and proactively work on reconnecting rather than letting distance become the new normal.

SPEAKER_01:

That's so true. And you know what? Sometimes that means getting professional help. There's no shame in couples counseling when you're struggling to reconnect. In fact, I'd argue it's one of the healthiest things you can do for your relationship.

SPEAKER_00:

Absolutely. I do wish my ex would have accepted an offer to seek marriage counseling. Unfortunately, she turned it down several times in our relationship. I believe a good therapist can help you have those difficult conversations in a safe space and give you tools to rebuild intimacy. It's not about assigning blame, it's about rebuilding connection.

SPEAKER_01:

Let's talk practical for a minute. For couples who feel like intimacy is slipping away, what are some concrete things they can do to start rebuilding?

SPEAKER_00:

Well, first, schedule regular check-ins, like actual appointments with each other to talk about the relationship without distractions. Second, rediscover shared activities that brought you joy early in the relationship. And third, and this is huge, practice active listening.

SPEAKER_01:

Active listening is everything. So many conflicts arise because we're not truly hearing each other. We're just waiting for our turn to talk.

SPEAKER_00:

Exactly. And you know, I want to share something personal if that's okay. Early in my marriage, we went through a rough patch where we felt really disconnected. Military lifestyle had a lot to do with that disconnect. We started this practice of taking 15 minutes every evening to just talk. No phones, no TV, just checking in about our days and how we were feeling while I was deployed.

SPEAKER_01:

That's beautiful. And did it help?

SPEAKER_00:

I believe then that it transformed our relationship. Be mindful, she did not want to be with me prior to discovering she was pregnant with our son. Those 15 minutes became sacred space where we could be vulnerable and reconnect. It wasn't always easy. Sometimes we had difficult conversations, but it prevented that emotional distance from growing further.

SPEAKER_01:

I love that. It's such a simple practice, but so powerful. It's about creating intentional space for connection rather than hoping it will just happen naturally.

SPEAKER_00:

Which brings us full circle to our original question. If you're creating that intentional space and still feeling disconnected, that's when you know you need to dig deeper, maybe with professional help, rather than looking outside the relationship.

SPEAKER_01:

And if your partner isn't willing to create that space with you, that's when you have to ask some hard questions about whether the relationship is meeting both people's needs.

SPEAKER_00:

Exactly, because seeking intimacy elsewhere when your partner is unwilling to work on the relationship, that's a different scenario than when both people are trying but struggling.

SPEAKER_01:

So here's my takeaway. Rather than getting caught up in the is it cheating debate, focus on the health of your relationship. If intimacy is lacking, address it directly with your partner. Have those uncomfortable conversations. Seek help if you need it.

SPEAKER_00:

And remember that intimacy isn't just something that happens to you, it's something you actively create and maintain. It takes work, but it's work that's so worth it.

SPEAKER_01:

Beautifully said, Mikey. For our listeners who are struggling with intimacy in their relationships, we want you to know you're not alone, and there are healthy ways to address it.

SPEAKER_00:

And if you take one thing from our conversation today, let it be this: the time to work on intimacy is before it becomes a crisis. Don't wait until you're considering seeking connection elsewhere to address the distance in your relationship.

SPEAKER_01:

That's perfect. Mikey, thank you so much for this incredible conversation and sharing your own challenges in your previous relationship. Such important insights.

SPEAKER_00:

Always a pleasure, Dee. This is such vital stuff for people to think about.

SPEAKER_01:

To all our listeners, be gentle with yourselves and your partners. Relationships are journeys, not destinations. Thanks for joining us on Intimate Connections on Great Day Radio Relationship Talk Podcast. Until next time.

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DJ Mikey D

Host
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DJ Dee Marie

Co-host