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Reclaim Your Boundaries, And Learn To Trust Again
What if your “fierce independence” is actually the hook that keeps you in a toxic loop? We dig into the hidden chemistry between avoidant attachment and narcissistic partners, mapping the quiet drift from self-reliance to self-erasure—and the exact steps to get your power back. Mikey opens up about the exhaustion of being gaslit, the pull of hoovering, and the grief of co‑parenting at a distance, while Dee threads practical tools you can use today.
We break down the telltale signs of the avoidant–narcissist cycle: emotional numbing, intermittent reinforcement that rewards compliance, and love bombing that resets false hope. Then we shift to action. You’ll hear a safety-first exit plan, from gathering documents and securing finances to a neutral breakup script that shuts down circular arguments. We explore no contact versus low contact for those with shared kids, including written-only communication, clear logistics, documentation, and when to involve mediators or attorneys who de-escalate rather than inflame.
Healing doesn’t end at the door. We share cognitive anchors that counter nostalgia—lists of concrete harms to reread when doubt creeps in—plus therapy-backed “micro-bravery” practices: five slow breaths to reset panic, one honest need voiced per day, and low-stakes trust tests that rebuild confidence without overwhelm. Listener questions take us through grieving the imagined future, handling threats with restraint orders and safe contacts, whether narcissists truly
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For our TikTok, Instagram, and other social media platforms to listen to the full show, please visit greatdayradio.com. That is www.greatdayradio.com. Be sure to share the love. Welcome to the Healing Frequency on GreatdayRadio.com. I'm DJ D. Marie, and with me is DJ Mikey D.
SPEAKER_02:Thanks for having me, D. It's been a minute since we took on a full relationship talk collaboration. I am really excited to talk about this topic. It's something I wish I'd understood years ago.
SPEAKER_01:Yes, indeed, it has been a while, Mikey. We certainly have to catch up on your life since your divorce later in the show. So today we're diving into something really specific but incredibly common. Ending a relationship with a narcissist when you have an avoidant attachment style. Mikey, you've been through this yourself. What made you realize this dynamic was happening?
SPEAKER_02:Honestly, the exhaustion. I kept thinking I was just independent and didn't need much from relationships anyway, so when my partner would dismiss my feelings, criticize me, or worst yet, gaslight me, I'd just withdraw further. It felt comfortable at first, like we both valued our space.
SPEAKER_01:Right. That's the tricky part. It can feel deceptively comfortable because both people are prioritizing autonomy, but then the manipulation starts creeping in.
SPEAKER_02:Exactly. And as someone avoidant, I was already minimizing my own needs, so when they'd gaslight me or invalidate my feelings, I'd just think, well, maybe I am too sensitive, or I should just handle this on my own.
SPEAKER_01:That self-blame is so common. And for avoidant folks, there's this tendency to think withdrawing is the healthier option when actually it's just playing into the narcissist's hands.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. And then you get stuck in this cycle. They pull away, you chase a little, they give you just enough affection to keep you hooked. It's exhausting.
SPEAKER_01:Let's break this down for listeners who might be recognizing this pattern. What are some signs that you're in an avoidant narcissist dynamic?
SPEAKER_02:For me, it was feeling numb rather than connected. I'd minimize my pain to avoid conflict. There was this constant intermittent reinforcement. Affection only showed up when I complied or chased after them. And the gaslighting, man, that makes you doubt your own reality.
SPEAKER_01:And then there's hoovering, when they circle back with charm after a breakup. For avoidant people, that can feel like proof you should stay distant when actually it's manipulation.
SPEAKER_02:Oh yeah, the hoovering got me a few times. They'd come back saying all the right things, and part of me would think, see, I was right to keep my distance all along. But really it was just another control tactic.
SPEAKER_01:So let's talk about actually leaving this dynamic. Breaking up with a narcissist is hard for anyone, but it's especially challenging when you're avoidant. Why is that?
SPEAKER_02:Because we're already conditioned to downplay problems and prioritize self-reliance, so we might delay leaving until we're completely drained. And narcissists often target avoidant people because we don't create much drama. We just withdraw quietly.
SPEAKER_01:And that isolation makes it harder to reach out for support, which is exactly what the narcissist wants. So if someone's ready to leave, what's the first step?
SPEAKER_02:Safety first, always. If there's any threat of violence or stalking, you need a safety plan before you even announce you're leaving. Contact local resources, trusted friends, shelters, whatever you need.
SPEAKER_01:And practical supports too. Gathering important documents, securing finances, having a place to go. Even a temporary plan reduces their power over you.
SPEAKER_02:Absolutely. And for avoidant folks who might struggle with asking for help, this is where you have to push against that instinct. Enlist allies, tell trusted people your plan, and ask them to help you hold boundaries.
SPEAKER_01:Let's talk about the actual breakup. What worked for you?
SPEAKER_02:Great question. My breakup was sudden and unexpected to a degree. For me, I had no time to plan or react. In fact, I went homeless for a brief period. Scripting it would be huge. I would practice a short neutral statement and keep it brief and unemotional. Narcissists love to pull you into arguments, so I would keep with my script and stick to it.
SPEAKER_01:And then protecting your mental space afterward, unfollowing or blocking on social media, maybe changing locks or phone numbers if needed. I recall you mentioned your situation after the breakup. Have to ask, how is your life now?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, and expect manipulation after you leave. Hoovering, love bombing, promises to change. Remember how they acted over time, not their short-term charm. Thanks for asking. No lie. It has been an adjustment still. As far as the relationship with the ex, I have gotten past that and mentally moved on. With time apart, I realized that I was never the one she wanted. The heartbreak now exists with my kiddos. I do not have everyday connection with them. Visitations are scattered and communications are the same. I really miss my kids.
SPEAKER_01:That's so important. And for avoidant people who might already struggle with self-blame, cognitive reminders can help. Writing down their abusive behaviors and reading them when doubt creeps in. Mikey, I am so sorry. With the holidays approaching, I can only imagine how tough that is on you. Just know you can always reach out to me should you need to vent and talk.
SPEAKER_02:Thank you, Dee. You're an amazing friend. Therapy is crucial for me too. Healing avoidant attachment patterns takes time, and a good therapist can help you learn to tolerate closeness without pulling away.
SPEAKER_01:Let's talk about no contact versus low contact. What's your take?
SPEAKER_02:No contact is ideal when it's safe and possible. It really helps re-establish your boundaries and heal. But if you have shared kids or legal obligations, low contact might be necessary. In that case, keep communication focused and written when possible. Stick to logistics only.
SPEAKER_01:And document everything if there are children involved. Set clear, written agreements. Use structured communication tools, maybe even involve mediators or attorneys.
SPEAKER_02:Exactly. With the exception of an attorney. Many family attorneys try and stretch a case so they get paid. Oftentimes they will add fuel to the flame to keep the anger going. Don't get me wrong, I am not anti-lawyer. I just want you to consider that when meeting with an attorney. Okay, back on topic. Now, recovery for someone with avoidant attachment. This is where the real work begins. For me, it was about three overlapping goals reclaiming safety and autonomy, rebuilding emotional awareness, and relearning secure relating.
SPEAKER_01:What did that look like practically?
SPEAKER_02:Small vulnerability experiments, sharing minor feelings with a trustworthy friend and noticing their response, practicing boundary setting in low stakes situations, even just naming my needs and asking for them, which felt huge as someone who's always been self-reliant.
SPEAKER_01:And being gentle with yourself through the process, right? Avoidant patterns formed to protect you. Changing them takes time.
SPEAKER_02:So important. Celebrate small wins, reaching out and forcing a boundary, staying no contact for a day, those are big steps.
SPEAKER_01:We get a lot of questions from listeners about this. One common one is what if I love them and still miss them?
SPEAKER_02:It's completely normal to grieve. Grieve the imagined future and the good moments, but then ground yourself in the consistent behaviors that hurt you. The good moments don't cancel out the abuse.
SPEAKER_01:Another one. What if they threaten me if I leave?
SPEAKER_02:Prioritize safety above everything. Document threats, get restraining orders if needed, use safe contacts, involve authorities or shelters. Your safety comes first.
SPEAKER_01:And can narcissists change?
SPEAKER_02:Genuine change is rare without sustained, motivated therapy and accountability. Don't rely on promises. Base your decisions on their consistent long-term behavior, not apologies or grand gestures.
SPEAKER_01:And finally, how do I trust again?
SPEAKER_02:That is a great question. After my breakup and divorce, that is hard to come by, but not out of reach. For the sake of the show, start small. Test reliable people with low stakes requests, notice their follow-through, and allow trust to grow gradually. It's a process.
SPEAKER_01:With that being said, Mikey, have you started dating since the divorce? Is there any chance for you and your ex? Before we wrap up, what's one grounding step someone can try right now if they're feeling stuck?
SPEAKER_02:Pause and take five slow breaths to reduce panic. Write down three concrete harms they've done over a period of time, and identify one person you can tell about your plan and one safe place to go if you need immediate distance. To answer your question, as far as the ex, no chance whatsoever. As I mentioned, since before my son was born, she let me know then that I was not the one for her. Everything else was not love but a convenience, and pretend, as she reminded me, there was someone I dated for a little while and we got very close. What I have learned while in that relationship is that I was still healing and dealing with hurt, and I do have trust issues. The flip side to that is I have also learned to identify red flags and approach it with caution to protect my heart from being hurt again.
SPEAKER_01:Perfect. Mikey, thank you so much for sharing your experience and wisdom. This is such important work.
SPEAKER_02:Thanks for having me, Dee. Remember everyone, ending a relationship with a narcissist while managing avoid an attachment is hard, but it's possible. With preparation, boundaries, and support, you can break the cycle and build relationships that are respectful and secure. Stay locked in as we continue the discussion as we talk about marriages, affairs, and cheating.
SPEAKER_01:That's all the time we have for this episode on the Healing Frequency on Great Day Radio. Until next time, take care of yourselves and each other. Stay tuned in for the next episode after these messages.
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