Love, Loss, and the 90-10 Rule: Post-Divorce Reflections

We explore the "90-10 theory" of relationships, examining how people often focus on the missing 10% of needs rather than appreciating the 90% that's fulfilled, potentially leading to divorce regret.

• The 90-10 theory suggests partners meet about 90% of our needs, but we fixate on the missing 10%
• Social media creates unrealistic relationship expectations by showing idealized versions of others' lives
• Post-divorce regret is common when people realize they took the 90% for granted
• DJ Mikey D shares personal experiences from his recent divorce, revealing patterns of deception and red flags
• Relationship red flags are often clearer in hindsight, including financial dishonesty and emotional distance
• Healing after breakups involves acknowledging emotions, practicing self-care, and seeking support
• Reflection on past relationships helps identify patterns for healthier future connections

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Transcript

Introduction: The 90-10 Theory

Speaker 1 0:00

You are listening to the best podcast from the USA to the UK on GreatDayRadiocom.

Speaker 2 0:08

Hey everyone, welcome to GreatDayRadiocom Love and Regrets podcast where we discuss the 90-10 theory. I'm DJ DeMarie and with me is DJ Mikey D.

Speaker 3 0:18

What's up DJ D Excited to dive into this topic for this episode divorce, regret and that whole 90-10 thing. It's heavy but so relatable.

Speaker 2 0:26

Absolutely so. For those who haven't heard of it, the 90-10 theory suggests that in most relationships, your partner meets about 90% of your needs, but we tend to hyper-focus on the missing 10%, and that can lead to some big decisions like divorce. Speaking of divorce, Mikey, you just finalized yours right. How are you managing your daily life post-divorce? Do you mind discussing briefly?

Speaker 3 0:51

Yeah, and sometimes, after the dust settles, you realize, dang, that 90% was actually pretty solid. To answer your question, yes, the divorce finalized back in May of this year. Since we are going into more discussions on post-divorce in the next segment, I will hold off until then.

Speaker 2 1:05

Fair enough, mikey. I agree that 90% can be solid. Take Melissa, a 42-year-old accountant we heard about. She divorced her husband because she wanted more adventure, spontaneous trips, excitement. But afterwards she missed his stability, his support as a dad, the stuff she'd taken for granted. In fact, she stated that in her decision-making to pursue her happiness at the time she regrets the pain she caused the kids, as they see less of their father.

Speaker 3 1:35

Man, that hits hard. It's like we're wired to notice what's not there instead of what is. Social media doesn't help. Everyone's out here pretending their relationships are perfect.

Speaker 2 1:43

Right. And then you start questioning your own relationship, like why don't we have that, when maybe you've got something even better, just different?

Speaker 3 1:52

So how do we fix this? I've got friends who've been through this Post-divorce regret is definitely real.

Speaker 2 1:58

Counseling helps. So does pausing to ask is this 10% worth losing the 90%? Maybe that missing piece can be worked on, or maybe it's okay to accept that no relationship is 100% perfect.

Speaker 3 2:11

Boom, that's the wisdom right there.

Speaker 2 2:13

But here's the thing Regret doesn't have to be the end. For Melissa it became a lesson. She's now more mindful about gratitude in her new relationships.

Speaker 3 2:22

Growth. I love that. So to wrap it up, appreciate the 90% and communicate about the 10%, and maybe don't let perfectionism trick you into losing something great.

Melissa's Story and Social Media Influence

Speaker 2 2:31

Couldn't have said it better, mikey. Thanks for tuning in everyone. If you're on TikTok or Instagram, be sure to visit greatdayradiocom to listen to the full podcast show, to hear segment two, where we talk with DJ Mikey D on his journey post-divorce as we discuss reflecting on relationships after breakup or divorce. If you are interested in advertising on our network, visit greatdayradiocom, click on advertising. Also, be sure to check in with our latest contest and sign up for our newsletter that contains a lot of great information from financial tips, money-making tips, health and much more.

Speaker 1 3:09

You are tuned in to Great Day Radio with DJ Mikey D.

Speaker 2 3:16

Welcome back to Moving Forward, the podcast where we navigate life's transitions and transformations. For this segment, we're diving into relationship reflections after a breakup or divorce. I am DJ DeMarie, along with DJ Mikey D, and it is my pleasure to be here with you all for this discussion.

Overcoming Post-Divorce Regret

Speaker 3 3:35

That's right, DJ D. Whether you're dealing with heartbreak or finding yourself after a major life change, we've got insightful discussions and expert advice lined up to help you on your journey.

Speaker 2 3:44

I think we can all agree that breakups and divorces are some of the most challenging experiences a person can go through. Have you experienced this in your life, Mikey?

Speaker 3 3:53

Absolutely. I went through a divorce in May of this year and it really changed my perspective on relationships and what I want for the future. It's such a transformative experience.

Speaker 2 4:02

I know we have discussed your past relationship in previous podcasts for several months now.

Speaker 3 4:19

I know we have discussed your past relationship in previous podcasts for several months now. Would you mind briefly explaining what your reflective journey looks like? Since your breakup and the finalization of the divorce, I have had plenty of time to be reflective on our 14-year relationship. What I come to realize in our time together is that I was not the one she truly desired.

Speaker 2 4:37

So you are saying that in the 14 years you realized you were not the one. How do you come up with that, considering you both have two kids together? Please explain more.

Speaker 3 4:47

Certainly, if you recall, in our previous discussions I shared with you that weeks prior to my son being conceived, she attempted to leave our relationship. We'd been involved with each other for more than a year at the time. Had my son not been conceived, we surely would not have been in a relationship, or married for that matter. The times after we got married she was not forthcoming about her financial world. In fact, much of our time together in marriage she would never discuss those details. Oftentimes I would discover that she was hiding bills or not telling me she had not been paying the bills Because of her financial woes.

Speaker 3 5:18

It damn near cost me my job while serving in the army, so its audibility was not her thing. After a while I had to adjust how I saved money. It was definitely a sore spot when trying to have a discussion about money On one instance she would deflect and cast blame on her father's bad habits when it came to money. Beyond money, over time she was involved in at least one outside relationship while I was transitioning out of the army, while stationed in Washington.

Speaker 2 5:42

Oh my gosh, that is horrible. First, how and where did you both meet? How was she acting prior to your son being conceived? Also, what brought you to the conclusion that she was having a relationship outside the marriage?

Post-Divorce Reflection Journey

Speaker 3 5:56

Great questions, djd. We met on an online dating app while I was returning from an 18-month deployment in Afghanistan. It was coincidental that I ended up with orders to come out to Colorado where we met up for the first time. I do not know what happened between the time we met and the time she wanted to walk away from our relationship, and I recall a conversation with her where she admitted she had walked away from prior relationships when it got serious. Having to reflect back to those days, I probably should have let her go then. However, I wanted to be a different person in her life. At least, that was my thoughts then.

Speaker 3 6:28

As to how she acted when she attempted to walk away from the relationship, she would be very short in conversations and distant in her emotions and lack the intimacy, physically and emotionally. When I called her out on her actions, she would blame her medications she was taking at the time. How did I know she was having another relationship In my transition? While in Washington, I was checking the cell phone bill and noticed there were a lot of communications with a specific number. I had gut instinct and decided to call the number. The person she was communicating with told me he was talking to my wife and that they were intimate. When I confronted her with the discovery, she initially denied it, but fessed up and said it was just an emotional conversation. She said it was because he was saying things that I never said to her and made her feel alive.

Speaker 2 7:10

Wow, that is deep. You had mentioned previously that in your return back to Colorado your relationship was on and off at best. Can you explain?

Speaker 3 7:19

Yes, that would be correct. When I returned back to Colorado within the first year of us living together, she announced that she wanted a divorce, not once, but twice. In those instances, having to reflect back for what it was, she would gaslight a conversation or situation as an excuse to demand a divorce. What I did not see while in the relationship is that there were patterns in how she manifested our relationship. While in the relationship is that there were patterns in how she manifested our relationship.

Speaker 3 7:44

In a previous show on monkey branching, I believe that she was having online relationship to basically shop around to see if there is a better supplier that fit her fantasy relationship. I think during the known relationship and the divorce announcements, she realized that it would be monetarily beneficial to hang on to us, also to maintain stability with the kids. When we moved in with her parents, it was then she began setting up the ultimate breakup, as she begun the process of getting very involved with a relationship or two. As I discovered, she was online dating prior to our divorce. So when I reflect on the past, it is hurtful, it was deceptive, it was manipulative, it was very toxic. You asked would I consider taking her back should she come to me in the future, that would be a solid no.

Speaker 2 8:22

Okay, point taken. I say never, say never, curious. Is there anything you think she would reflect on that could have triggered her behavior in the relationship? Also, throughout all the gaslighting, you almost losing your job, financial instabilities with her, why did you not leave sooner?

Speaker 3 8:40

You are on fire with the questions, djd, if you're asking if there was something I did. I was not perfect, certainly, and I take full accountability of my actions. There was one instance I was ready to walk out the relationship when I returned from my 13-month deployment during a very heated conversation with her. It, of course, is a very regretful time, as I made a bad judgment in a very dark period of my life. However, I chose to want to work on our issues in relationship overall.

Recognizing Relationship Red Flags

Speaker 3 9:05

In all of her gaslighting conversations she would always refer to a conversation she had with me where she felt I was not empathetic, to making her feel secure. However, keep in mind I was at the time coming off of not one but two very long deployments. At the time, I was not in no good state of mind to show empathy, as I have not had time to adjust to being back in the States While I'm raw. She has had plenty of opportunity to walk away from the relationship with far less drama and chaos as it is today. In reflecting back, she always demanded validation. However, she never validated me, nor did she ever consider what I was going through, because it was all about her, with all of that, my goals in moving forward is rebuilding me and rediscovering who I am. When I reflect on the past, I think about how I can be a better person in a relationship, should I decide to move in that direction in the future.

Speaker 2 9:50

First, thank you, mikey, for sharing that part of your life. I do hope our listeners can learn something from not only your relationship but understanding red flags that occurs, that are often overlooked. My experience was a breakup after a long-term relationship. I had no-transcript. I was interviewing a clinical psychologist who's an expert in relationship counseling and she says breakups and divorces are tough but they're also opportunities for growth. I agree.

Speaker 3 10:21

Glad to be a participant on this topic, Having done your research during your interview. What are some common emotional challenges people face after a breakup or divorce?

Speaker 2 10:30

One of the biggest challenges is the grieving process. People often overlook how similar it is to losing a loved one. There's denial, anger, bargaining, depression and, eventually, acceptance. It's crucial to allow yourself to feel these emotions rather than suppress them.

Speaker 3 10:45

Absolutely, I can relate. How can someone start to heal after such a significant life change?

Speaker 2 10:51

Healing starts with self-care. This means prioritizing your mental and physical health. Engage in activities that you love and that make you feel good about yourself. It's also helpful to seek support, whether through friends, family or professional counseling, for someone who's just gone through a breakup. What advice would you give them to positively reflect and learn from the experience? Mikey?

Speaker 3 11:15

Collecting involves understanding what went wrong and what worked. It's important to look at the relationship objectively, without self-blame or placing it all on your partner. Identifying patterns can help you build healthier relationships in the future.

Speaker 2 11:27

Thank you, Mikey, for your invaluable insights. Before we go, any last words of encouragement for our listeners.

Healing After Breakups and Moving Forward

Speaker 3 11:34

Certainly remember. A breakup or divorce is not the end of your story. It's a chapter that leads to new beginnings. Stay open to new experiences and the possibility of love again.

Speaker 2 11:43

That was an incredibly enlightening discussion. Thanks again for joining us on this episode, Mikey. We hope this discussion offered some comfort and guidance.

Speaker 3 11:52

Yes and remember, healing is a journey. Join us next time on Moving Forward, where we'll continue to explore paths to growth and guidance. Yes and remember, healing is a journey. Join us next time on Moving Forward, where we'll continue to explore paths to growth and happiness. Until then, take care and keep moving forward. Before we end this podcast, be sure to comment and share this episode by visiting GreatDayRadiocom. Likewise, we are preparing the finishing touches to our all-new contest and giveaways, so do encourage you to visit greatdayradiocom. Click on Join Our Contest on the top page and sign up for our newsletter. Thank you for being a part of our podcast show Peace.

Speaker 1 12:21

We are in the mix with a continuous party mix on greatdayradiocom.